Quick Fixes For Broken Relationships?

Is there such a thing?

There are a number of behaviours that you can change which will have an instant impact on your relationship.

What do a few of the top researchers and clinicians say about what transforms a relationship from painful and confusing to connected and secure?

• “Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you are very involved with your partner’s mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right. Notice one small thing and express genuine appreciation. That will change your interaction patterns from escalating negativity and criticism to building a culture of appreciation.”
  – John Gottman PhD,  author of The Relationship Cure

• “Stop all blame, shame and criticism. Instead, ask for what you want in a specific, clear and positive manner and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: men need to feel competent – that they make a contribution and it is noticed. They like to be told what behaviour makes women happy. Since men tend to express affection by doing things, you should interpret their actions as love. When men know what you want them to do and are acknowledged for it, they tend to keep doing it.”
  – Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want

• When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection and a Promise of Action. You say you are sorry for what you have said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. you immediately offer a hug, a kiss – some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner (“from now on I will…”). And of course you stick to that. This whole AAA thing can take you a few minutes, but in that time you have healed the past, built a bridge to the present and created hope for the future.”
  – Mira Kirshenbaum, author of The Weekend Marriage

While the notion of the quick fix may not fully apply, as these changes need to be sustained over time for a relationship to flourish and trust to develop, it is true that these behavioural and philosophical shifts have a profound impact on a relationship.

Try it out!

Tags: Crisis, Relationship, Validation

This entry was posted on Monday, November 15th, 2010 at 8:00 AM and is filed under IMAGO and Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.